Friday, February 1, 2013

Eleven Months

Can it really be that Chris has been gone for eleven months? It does not seem like that. In many ways, the loss of him still seems quite fresh. And sometimes I worry that I might be the only one (or one of the few) who feels this way. Once we are past the anniversary of his death next month, will that be it? Will people stop talking about him? Will they stop missing him?

I love when people talk about him, tell funny stories about himeven if those stories aren't about a perfect saint (which he wasn't, after all). I love it when people tell me what they miss about him. And when they remind me of history I'd forgotten. I love it when my baby girl talks about her daddy. I don't want any of that to stop.

Will his memory fade in people's hearts and minds? In Erika's? In mine? I don't really think so, but I do wonder sometimes. And I wonder whether I will feel very alone in my missing of him.

Well, I have big plans for the anniversary next month... I wanted to be away from this frigid place on March 1st. Somehow, it seems the cold would accentuate the fact that my man is not here to keep me warm. I wanted space to cry, laugh, remember... I felt it would be best to not be with Erika for this (she has already had to witness her mom's swinging emotions enough, and it seems to disrupt her security).

So, here's the plan: Abby (my sister), Julie (my sister-in-law), and Maria (a friend) are flying with me to Arizonaone of my very favorite places. The heat there warms you to your bones. The sun shines on you every day. I will have sweet friends around me. The kind of friends to whom you can say anything. They will love me, hug me, cry with me, leave me alone, have dinner with me, or tell me really funny jokeswhatever I ask of them.

A very kind and generous couple, who I have never even met, is giving us the use of their condo in Scottsdale (for the second year in a rowAbby and I went here last year just a few weeks after Chris died). I am exceedingly blessed by so many.

And so, in this last month of the first year of being without him, I grieve much. I anticipate much. Sorrow mingled with great hope.


  1. I just stumbled upon your blog this morning, from another blog that I have started following. I don't even know what to say. Prayers for you and your little one. Pam

  2. I understand. I am having those same thoughts at 9 months out. I am praying that you have a refreshing time of reflection as you go away for this unwanted anniversary.

  3. Emily, Thank you for always sharing your heart! I am so glad you will be able to get away somewhere warm and have time with women you love! When I read your post I couldn't help but not my head in agreement. I know that when I lost my mom (6 years ago) that is not the same as losing my husband, but I LOVE when people talk about their memories of my mom and thing they loved about her. Or when they tell me things about me that remind them of her. It totally helps keep her memory alive! I remember my dad saying that when it came to adjusting to life without my mom, 'time' is both a friend and an enemy. It helps the grief and loss not be quite as painful but it also seems you lose some of the vivid memories of the person who is gone. In the first year or so after I lost my mom I tried to write down lots of vivid memories of her and stories about her. I think that was wise because they aren't as sharp in my memory now, but I can go back and read them and they are just like yesterday. Anyway, just some thoughts. Hugs to you my friend!