Friday, September 28, 2012


my favorite fridge picture... I love seeing our faces pressed together

The other night, dear,
as I lay sleeping,
I dreamt I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken,
So I hung my head and cried.
You are my sunshine -
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
when skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear,
how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

Did you ever realize how sad is this little song? It comes up often on the Pandora children's folk music station I play for Erika. And every time, I think it was written for me.

When will the dreams stop? Yet, I hope they never stop. I get to be with Chris—if only in my dreams. But when I wake and find myself in bed all alone... There is nothing quite so freshly painful as that moment.

And the dreams seem to mirror my grief process. They have evolved over the months since I lost him. At first, they were the sick dreams. Very vivid and very painful. I woke feeling almost relieved that he was gone. Seeing him suffer profoundly once again made me grateful for his eternal rest. Yet, at least I got to talk to him.

Now, the dreams are no longer sick ones. Still vivid though. And they are all pretty much the same. He is healthy and vibrant and affectionate. He “comes back” to me. And we both know, in the dream, that we have only one day to be together before we need to part again. Permanently (until Heaven, that is). He often says goodbye to Erika and me. These dreams are harder than the sick ones. Harder to wake, for sure.

The mind is amazing. I'm often reminded of memories in my dreams. It's as if that strange, wonderful computer-organ takes the night to sift and organize information. File my life events in attempts to make some kind of sense of it all. And thrill me and torment me with its processes.

In those desperately lonely mornings, I am reminded that my God cares for me—my exhilarating dreams and my sad wakings. This quote (a commentary on Psalm 139:17 "How precious also are Thy thoughts unto me, O God") is one of my favorites:

In our sorrows He observes us incessantly and not a pang escapes Him; in our toils He marks all our weariness and writes in His book all the struggles of His faithful ones. These thoughts of the Lord encompass us in all our paths, and penetrate the innermost region of our being. Not a nerve or tissue, valve or vessel, of our bodily organization is uncared for; all the littles of our little world are thought upon by the great God. (CH Spurgeon)
How could I possibly do these nights and days without those Divine thoughts? That care and condescension. Great love.


  1. You know its funny about dreams Emily, because I have been having "chemo" dreams lately. I would like to think that scarey treatment part of my life is over--forget about it and move on...yet here they are, late at night waking me up in a cold sweat. I wonder; is the cancer coming back? Are these dreams meant to torment me and keep me in fear? But I think you nailed it when you said its like our memory banks are filing things away, or putting some kind of order to the events that either bring us great joy, or great pain. We try to make sense of them while we sleep? I am comforted by the Lord's words that our every need and thought of ours is not unnoticed by Him. GREAT LOVE indeed!

  2. And on every one of those desperately lonely mornings, his faithfulness is as new as though it had just sprung, newly created, from the heart of God. May this certainty stay our hearts and minds on Christ Jesus, morning, noon, and night.

    Peace in Him.


  3. Oh Em! I know those dreams.....bittersweet because you have time together again, but its far too short! Praying for you today my friend and sending lots of hugs!!!

  4. I remember my dreams of Joel. I don't quite remember when they stopped but I do remember the last one. I was at the train station. Funny because I never went on a train with Joel. : ) Anyway, there he was and we had a joyous conversation, but something wasn't right. I kept feeling like he shouldn't be there with me. He finally said goodbye and turned and left. I remember feeling such sadness, but I got to say good-bye which I didn't get to do here on Earth. I've never dreamt of him again. Praise God for being the God of our dreams. He has different dreams for each of us and I hope you always dream of Chris. Love ya, Susanne

  5. Thanks, my friends. Love to you all!

  6. I know it's different, because a relationship with one's dad is so different than a relationship with a husband, but the dreams I have had of my dad since he went to Heaven are very similar. He will be here and happy and we'll have a great time together but we know it's just for the day or for an hour and he has to leave. It's been a long time since I have had a dream about him though. Sometimes I wish I could just so it would seem like we get to spend some time together.
    I don't know how encouraging any of that is except that their are others out there who understand a bit of what you're going through.
    Continuing to pray for you.
    What a joy to know that someday we really will see them again and we will NEVER have to say goodbye again!